He sat at the front of the bus, facing sideways across the aisle.
People got on and off right in front of him but he didn't notice them. He was lost in another place, another time.
Everything had gotten so difficult lately. He'd finaly left High School behind and taken a course at the local Art College to get his degree. Except it was nothing like he'd expected.
He was all on his own with no support. For the first time in his life he was having to stand on his own two feet.
He was falling badly. There was nothing familiar. There was no comfort in his new classmates. Everything was hostile to him. Even the lessons themselves.
Who was he supposed to talk to? He wasn't supposed to have the kinds of thoughts that raced through his mind.
He had been brought up to be a good, Christian boy. He wasn't supposed to think about girls, they only wanted sex. He wasn't supposed to hang out with guys as they just used drink and drugs to have fun. The only people he was allowed to mix with were those his Mother deemed suitable.
These were the children of good Christian parents. They weren't at all like the other kids he came into contact with. At least that was what he was told. Experience showed him otherwise. What was wrong with him, he thought. Why did he feel like he was the only person trying to live a godly life.
He didn't swear. He didn't drink. He didn't take drugs. He hadn't had sex. He wasn't violent.
He was considerate. He put other people first. He was always helpful. He'd read the whole of his Bible twice already and could even remember certain chunks of it.
So why did life feel so crap?
It was a hot day and the bus driver had left the doors open just in front of him. He looked down at the road passing by at great speed and imagined throwing himself out of it.
'Why would I do that?' he asked himself. 'I'm doing okay with God aren't I?'
'If so why are you feeling so empty?' a voice inside him said.
The bus pulled to a stop and a girl got on board. He immediately looked at the floor, so as not to tempt himself with impure thoughts by looking at her. Even as he did so, he couldn't stop himself from looking at her smooth, shapely legs as she walked by.
'Look up', the voice inside said, 'look her in the face.'
'I can't', he said, 'she might see me looking.'
'Won't she want you to look?'
'I'm not lovable. I'm not good looking. If I look half as bad on the outside as I feel on the inside I can only expect nothing but pity, never love.'
'Then look out through that door again.'
He looked
'If you're so worthless then why not throw yourself out. No one will miss you.'
He screwed his eyes up tight and tried not to scream out loud on the bus. He tried to put all the pain in a bubble and push it far down inside him where he wouldn't have to deal with it.
This time it wouldn't work. The bubble cracked and the pain flowed back.
A tear fell from his eye, followed by another. He buried his head in his hands to hide these tears from those on board.
He knew they were all looking at him losing it but he wouldn't sob. He would never give them the satisfaction. He might not of been able to hold the tears back but there was no way he would utter a sound.
'So this is your life, eh?'
'Things might change.'
'How?'
'I don't know. But God has a plan for me. If I keep doing what he wants then I'll find out.'
'How do you know you're not just crazy, listening for God's voice?'
'I...I don't know that I'm not crazy. I believe I'm not crazy. Hope is all that I have left.'
He wiped the tear tracks away now that he had gotten some semblance of control back again and lifted his head to look out of the window. Without thinking his body tensed and tried to throw itself out of the moving bus.
He caught it just in time. He tried not to look down the rest of the bus to see if anyone had noticed him half rise from his seat.
'I can't believe I nearly did it!'
'Maybe you're not as sure in your hope as you thought you were?'
'What else can I do? If I kill myself then that's definitely the end and I don't want to undo all the effort I've put into being good and send myself to Hell by default.'
'So you're chicken then? The thought of eternal hell is greater than the hell you've made for yourself in this life?'
'No...maybe...is that so bad? From what I understand you can't change your destiny once you're dead. You've only got this life to set you up for the next.'
'And you're so sure there is a next life.'
'Yes. I can't imagine there being nothing more.'
'So take a look at that girl then. Make the most of this life.'
'I can't. There's no point me looking at a girl if I'm not capable on following through with more.'
'Meaning?'
'What's the point of initiating a conversation with a glance when I can't talk to the person afterwards.'
'Live dangerously. Play it by ear.'
'But I know I'm not going to get on with them because they'll probably want to go to a pub or a club for a date and I don't drink and I don't agree with the songs that they play at these places.'
'So you're effectively talking yourself out of it?'
'No, I'm just saving disappointment all round. What's the point in starting a friendship with someone when you know that it'll fail in the end.'
'You have
no friends?'
'I have those I grew up with, but I feel uncomfortable around them these days. I'm sure they probably notice, but I can't help it. To be honest though they don't judge me nearly as much as I judge myself.'
'So what has God given you that equals all that you've given up?'
'I don't think it works like that.'
'What do you think would happen if you started doing all the things that your peers seem to enjoy?'
'It would be very enjoyable I'm sure, but it would be a case of partying on the fast train to hell.'
'If it's all bothering you so much why not talk to your Mum or your Pastor about how you're feeling?'
'I'd just be a disappointment to them. How can I love God so much and yet
still have these feelings and thoughts that I know are wrong?'
'I guess you're right there. I'd imagine they'd throw you out of Church for thinking about girls and wanting to have sex with them. Everyone knows that Men should only marry virgins and that women only have babies when God says so.'
'How do you get to that point? How do you convince a girl to like you, let alone marry you?'
'What do you think?'
'I think that God just brings the right person into your life and it all falls into place.'
'Without you having to do anything?'
'Pretty much, yeah.'
'I think you're going to have to show a bit more backbone than that to get what you want.'
'I can't though. I'm not strong enough to do this. Girls are formidable people. They don't need guys. We should feel privileged that they even want to be with us.'
'Where did you get that from?'
'I grew up with a bunch of feminists.'
'Feminists
and Christians? You should be the perfect guy then.'
'I'm trying. The girls I like always seem to go for the confident guys or the bad guys though. Don't they see that those guys would never love them like I would?'
'Exciting or boring, which would I choose? hmmmm.'
'Is that it. Is
that why I'm on my own.'
'You already know this. That's why you're talking to yourself.'
He looked up and found that everyone was actually looking at him this time.
'Yes you were talking out loud.', said one passenger.
The bus pulled to a stop again and he jumped off not caring where he was. He would walk the rest of the way home.
The tears were back again.
He walked as fast as his legs would carry him, trying to dodge people on the pavement, only occasionally having to push his way through a few by bumping shoulders.
He wanted the ground to open and lose him forever.
'If only someone else would kill me. A car could hit me, or I could get mugged or something...something else where it wasn't my fault. If it happened like that then I wouldn't be to blame and it wouldn't be suicide.'
'Are we here again? I thought you decided that God was going to fix things for you.'
'It still doesn't stop the pain though. It's the pain, the awareness of what I haven't got that makes everything unbearable.'
'Doesn't God give you peace?'
'Kind of.'
'Is that a yes or a no?'
'I feel a peace that I'm on the right path, it's just every step I take on that path is so hard.'
'Do you want to give up? You know you can give up without killing yourself. Just stop doing what everyone tells you to and make your own decisions.'
'I am making my own decisions.'
'Why are you a Christian?'
'Because my Mum took me to church and wanted me to make a commitment, so I did.'
'Why can't you make friends?'
'Because my Mum wouldn't like me hanging out with someone she doesn't like.'
'Why can't you talk to girls?'
'Because I'm afraid I'll treat them badly just like my Mum and all her friends were badly treated by their boyfriends/husbands.'
'So your decisions are all based on what you think other people want. Specifically your Mum?'
'It seems that way. But it's only because she's given so much to me.'
'Sounds like she taken away more than she could ever have possibly have given. Don't you have any self-confidence?'
'If I did I'd just be like everyone else.'
'But you
want to be like everyone else?'
'No, I want what they've
got, but I want to get it in a way that will mean something and last forever.'
'You can't go on like this. Something has to give.'
'I know.'
His journey was at end. He had reached home after all, still in one piece.
He went in and ran upstairs to his bedroom. His defence against the world.
'I can't go back to college. I'm not ready. I just can't cope with all those people smoking, drinking, taking drugs, talking about sex and probably doing it too. It's like a big carrot hanging in front of me, taunting me. 'How strong are you?''
'So you're just going to hide here.'
'What's the point of me ever leaving. I'll still go to Church, its where I feel comfortable. The people there are generally safer. Maybe it'll just give me some time until I can figure out who I am and what I'm going to be.'
'They'll be winning. Those you're running away from. They are the ones who are going to go on and have rich lives full of experience after experience.'
'I just can't do it. I'm not that strong. I just have to be grateful to be alive and take it from there. Some days the pain isn't so bad you know. I just wanted my life to be art college and then go to do some kind of Graphic Design degree and become an artist. I'll just have to find some other way of doing it.'
He lay there, apart from the world. His world had come crashing down and broken his spirit. Things were never the same from then on. It was a slow process of rebuilding but eventually opportunities arose and he felt able to take the necessary risks and get a life.
During this time he looked back and although things had been tough and painful maybe there had been someone watching over him after all.
He was never quite sure who's side they were on though.
Character: breakdown Plot: cracks Resolution: supervise
----------------
Now playing:
Levellers - Hope Street
via FoxyTunes
Posts
